What am I Doing Here?
by daykestrel
Summary: Companion piece to "Naïveté", from the captain's point of view. J/7.


Disclaimers:

Contains adult relations between two women.

As always, I don't own these characters. No copyright infringement or disrespect is intended.

This is a companion piece to "Naïveté". Read that one first. =)

What am I Doing Here?

She's not as naive as everyone thinks.

Her eyes track me as I move through the room. I can see the need in them, the longing. But I also see confusion. And I can't help but wonder, can she possibly know what she wants from me?

She's heard the rumours of course, about me and my first officer. That dear, sweet, boring man. She asked me once directly if the rumours were true and I answered her question. Of course they're not.

But can she possibly understand where my true affections lie?

xxx

We're in the holodeck playing velocity. The game is almost over. I have almost won. Her brow is furrowed in concentration, her eyes narrowed to slits as they track the disc. She is determined, I'll give her that. But this last point is mine to win.

There is a fierce energy in my belly, an almost giddy high that I get from playing this game with her. With her usually tidy hair in disarray and a very faint sheen of sweat on her body, I find her incredibly enticing. And distracting.

Forcing my attention back to the game, I decide it's time to end this. I lunge for the last shot, ignoring the twinge in my calf as I do so, and connect with the disc with my phaser fire. The disc ricochets a mere fifty centimeters from her body, not giving her nearly enough time to react before it impacts her left knee.

Her shoulders sag slightly as she realizes that I have won yet again, but her face is expressionless as she congratulates me on my game. She is never a sore loser.

The energy still burns through my body. I am high on adrenaline and my success. I stalk into her personal space, determined to get some form of reaction out of her. I tease her, pointing out that yet again my inferior human intuition has defeated her superior Borg logic.

She takes my teasing stoically. Her eyes drift across the room, not meeting mine.

_React, damnit!_ I want to see something other than Borg coldness.

I push closer, pressing my hips into her body. I challenge her to another game, same time next week. My voice is huskier than I'd like, more desperate.

What am I doing?

She nods, accepting the challenge, and I pull back. I still can't resist touching her, a light backhand to her stomach as I thank her for the game.

And then I flee, tail between my legs.

What on Earth am I doing?

xxx

She watches me constantly. There is a question burning in those eyes. A question that I could answer if I weren't so damned scared of what it would mean.

xxx

Another velocity game. Guess who comes out on top? In the game, I mean.

Oddly enough she wasn't at her best today. She seemed distracted, off-center. I took full advantage of it of course, pushing to an early lead and several quick victories in a row.

The familiar heat is back in my belly, the glory of winning.

And to the victor come the spoils. I move towards her, already anticipating the feel of her long lean body against my own.

But today she changes the game. She meets me half-way, pressing her thigh into my hips and meeting my eyes squarely. Good god.

She quirks an arrogant eyebrow and I feel the heat rush to my face. Caught and cornered, damnit.

I drop my head slightly, breaking eye contact. My lips fall naturally to the hollow of her neck. A faint sheen of sweat covers her skin. Unconsciously I lick my lips, tasting the salt. And then again, purposefully this time, directly tasting the sweat on her neck.

What am I doing?

This seems to have become my mantra around this woman.

I pull back, startled, seeking her eyes which are glazed and unfocussed when they meet mine. My actions dawn on me abruptly and I turn and slip from the holodeck, putting as much distance between us as I possibly can on this too-small ship.

xxx

I'm sitting in my chair on the bridge, chatting lightly with Chakotay. He's got a good sense of humour, I'll give him that. And an uncanny ability to read the pulse of the ship and her crew. Both invaluable traits in a first officer, and I think not for the first time how glad I am to have him on this journey with me.

Unfortunately I'm not doing a great job at holding up my end of the conversation. I can feel her eyes on me and I'm completely unsettled. Do I need to talk to her? What would I say? _I'm sorry Seven, your captain just wanted to taste the salt on your skin. It was nothing, really…_

Not likely.

I can't sit here any longer, under her scrutiny. I give Chakotay the bridge and escape to my ready room. When I return half an hour later she is gone.

xxx

Of course I can't stay away for long. My mind just won't leave the issue alone, and I desperately need to find some sense of normalcy with her again. After some minutes of fidgeting, I finally give in and make an excuse to my first officer.

Minutes later I find myself standing behind her in Astrometrics. Her long neck is exposed and it's all I can do not to find it with my lips.

She turns to face me, putting space between the two of us. I was too close again, I realize.

I drop into captain mode, peppering her with questions. What can we expect over the next month? Any upcoming planets that would be suitable for shore leave? Where could we gather more supplies? _Can I kiss you?_

I purposefully don't voice the last one.

She's answering my queries, serving her captain efficiently. But there is a question in her eyes, a question that I just can't answer at the moment.

I ask her to keep me updated and take my leave.

In the corridor I sag briefly against the wall before collecting myself to return to the bridge.

What am I doing?

xxx

I don't see her for the rest of the day. Slowly my equilibrium returns. I can do this. I can be the captain. I can be her friend. I can control myself around her.

At the end of my shift I retreat gratefully to my quarters, shrugging off my jacket and kicking off my boots before settling into the couch with the stack of departmental reports that I didn't get through today.

About an hour later my door chime rings, startling me out of a supplies request from the hydroponics department. I ask the computer who is at the door, somehow unsurprised with the response. I hesitate as my heart rate picks up and all my resolutions start to dissolve at the thought of having her in my quarters.

It might be best not to answer, to just deal with her in the morning.

But somehow I find myself calling out to grant her entry.

She hovers in the doorway, uncertain. I take refuge in my manners, escorting her inside, seating her on the couch and bringing her a cup of tea. She hands me a PADD with further details on some planets that may offer the possibility of shore leave or replenished supplies.

This could have waited until morning, but I am glad to have her here. I prolong her visit with small talk, wincing internally as I wonder if I'm sounding like my chatty first officer. But she doesn't seem to mind, giving careful attention to the conversation as she sips her tea.

Our discussion feels normal, friendly, and slowly I relax.

She hands me her empty teacup and I stand with her, grasping her arm as I walk her to the door. I'm smiling good-night when suddenly her eyes meet mine, full of hunger and longing. There is no mistaking that look.

Her eyes are frighteningly intense. But rather than push her away, I find myself pulling her closer. Lost, I drop my head onto her shoulder. Moments later I feel the most astonishing thing as her cheek nuzzles into my hair. Tender and passionate.

"Please." Her voice is soft, broken.

I can deny this woman nothing.

I know what she wants, what she needs. Hoping that she can't feel me trembling, I pull her toward me in an awkward hug. _Just give me a minute, love… Let me catch my breath._

I bring my hands to her face and tilt her towards me. She is mine. She meets me half way, surprisingly confident in her kiss.

She whimpers, deep in her throat, and suddenly I need to touch her. The skin of her face, never exposed to planet-side UV rays, is soft and delicate. Her metal implants are surprisingly warm to the touch.

Her hands are moving now too. I shudder as they slide under my shirt and across my belly. Suddenly she's cupping my breasts, sending an electric shock through my entire body. _My god, love, what are you doing to me?_

She's sucking on my neck, somehow instinctively finding that spot that drives me crazy. I wonder if I'm going to need to do some dermal regeneration before my shift tomorrow.

She breaks off and pulls back, watching. I want to give her this, to show her what she does to me with a simple touch. But when she meets my eyes the look is too intense, too hungry. I yank her toward me, needing to feel more of her body.

And then suddenly it all comes crashing in. I'm making out with my Astrometrics officer like a damned teenager, completely out of control.

Flirting, enjoying the energy between us? Well that's one thing.

But this? This is not flirting.

I can't do this.

I pull back, feeling her cling to me in reluctant confusion. My heart breaks.

"I'm sorry, Seven," I whisper as I push her out of my quarters.

What on Earth was I thinking?

xxx

The staff meeting is going long and I'm very tired. I didn't get much sleep last night. My body feels tight, wired. I purposefully didn't touch myself, didn't seek release. Instead I lay in bed, remembering the feel of her hands.

Those hands which are currently resting on the conference table, neatly folded.

I find my eyes drifting to her hands yet again and forcefully yank my gaze back, bringing my focus to B'Elanna who is itemizing the things that are broken or failing on my ship. I bite back a sigh of frustration.

I can feel her eyes on me. Glancing at her briefly, it's evident that she's not paying much more attention to the meeting than I am. Her eyes are fixed, hard and hungry. And they're focused on my chest. Oh god.

I remember the feel of her hands as they cupped me, teased my nipples. I shift in my chair, suddenly hot and uncomfortable. And very turned on.

She's still staring at me. I deliberately suppress the urge to cross my arms over my chest. It's getting awkward now. What if someone notices?

Looking around the table, I can see that everyone is focused on my chief engineer. Everyone apart from Seven of Nine, whose eyes remain locked on my breasts.

Really? Does she need to act so much like an adolescent male? We're in a staff meeting, for god's sake.

My discomfort and embarrassment make me angry.

When the meeting is over I dismiss everyone curtly, taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain my equilibrium.

She's standing by the door, waiting for me. Her eyes are soft, hopeful.

But I can't do this today. I can't look into her beautiful blue eyes, remembering how she touched me last night, how possessively she looks at me this morning.

"My eyes are up here, Seven," I snap out, tapping the bridge of my nose for emphasis.

I see her face fall, the light fade from her eyes.

I can't watch.

I push past her, out to my bridge, my chair, where I'm in control. I purposefully do not turn around as she exits the conference room, choosing not to reprimand her for breaking protocol once again as she leaves the bridge without the senior officer's permission.

Chakotay looks at me, a question in his eyes. I brush it off with a brisk wave of my hand. Business as usual, Commander.

xxx

I barely see her over the next few days. This is good as it gives me a chance to regain my equilibrium. When we do cross paths we're both professional, cool. Clearly she's gotten my message. Shouldn't I be happier about it?

As more time passes I find myself missing her, missing the excitement of being in her presence, of feeling her challenge me, complete me. I wander down to Astrometrics a few times but can't seem to bridge the gap that's suddenly grown between us.

I led her on, I know that. I teased her, flirted with her in an almost embarrassing fashion. I'd had no idea that she was ready to meet me on this, to reciprocate. How do I get her friendship back?

xxx

We're all working late tonight. Transporters and auxiliary power both failed today and it's been a long afternoon and evening getting things back online.

B'Elanna, who's worked the hardest of all, finally heaves a sigh of relief as her testing shows that all systems are back up and running. For now, anyways.

She waves an exhausted good night and slips away.

Seven is still working at a console, finishing up her system diagnostics. I take a chance and rest my hand briefly on her arm, receiving a small smile in return.

I breathe a sigh of relief. I think we're going to be okay.

xxx

I'm prowling my quarters, trying to decide whether I want to settle in with a book, finish those damned log reports, or maybe just head straight to bed. I'm still tired after our long shift yesterday, but I find myself filled with a restless energy.

The door chime stops me in my tracks and I answer immediately without thinking.

She steps into my quarters, tall and composed, and my breath catches in my throat.

Suddenly I'm nervous, my light dinner twisting uncomfortably in my stomach. I'm trying not to stare, but she's beautiful, so very beautiful. She takes my breath away.

She breaks the silence that I realize has already gone on too long.

"Captain. Are we… okay?"

I look into her eyes and see… hope. Longing. Affection.

She's clearly torn, uncertain, afraid. And yet she had the courage to come here tonight, even after the way I've behaved towards her. _Oh love, I'm so sorry…_

"Oh Seven…" The words slip out as I feel my defenses crumble.

I move into her chest, burying my head. _Forgive me…_

I'm shaking. Head to toe, shaking like a leaf. Her light touch on my waist is all that's holding me up. I can't crumble now.

To distract myself I reach up blindly, bringing her mouth to mine. I pour my soul into the kiss, everything I haven't been able to say, haven't been able to find the words for. I pull her closer, silently begging forgiveness, benediction.

Her whisper is soft against my lips. "Captain?"

_No love, please. Can't you see that right now I am anything but your captain? I'm merely…_

"Kathryn." I'm choking. She needs to understand. I repeat myself. "Kathryn."

Her eyes light up, like a child given a gift at Christmas. But when she voices my name it rolls from her mouth, sensual, nothing like a child.

"Kathryn," she repeats. There is a wicked smile tugging the edges of her mouth. "May I touch you?"

"God yes." The desperation in my voice surprises me. To cover my embarrassment I move first, pushing her up against a bulkhead, inserting my leg between hers. It feels divine.

Her hands are everywhere, desperate. I'm not much better, fumbling at her collar, desperately trying to free her breasts.

I move her to my bedroom and push her down into the sheets, straddling her naked body possessively. This is _my_ woman, in _my_ bed. The thought makes me grin. I feel reckless, strong and giddy.

She hesitates beneath me, momentarily uncertain at what surely is a new experience.

I guide her hand between my legs, hissing as she touches hot, sensitive flesh. I think she needs to feel me first, to gain her own confidence, before I try to touch her in a similar manner. I guide her gently, then more firmly, backing off when she seems to understand.

Her lip is caught between her teeth, a look of intense concentration on her face. I sink my upper body down, bringing our breasts in contact, and capture her mouth with mine. Her fingers bury deeper inside of me and I groan appreciatively. She's a quick study, my Seven.

My climax is sudden, unexpected and intense. She's watching me with wonder, pride in her eyes. _Yes love, you did that to me._

And now it's my turn.

My fingers and tongue roam her body, touching and tasting. Soft skin, warm flesh, slick implants. I bring my mouth to her breast and slide my fingers between her legs. She's wet, so very wet. I had worried that the Borg may have deprived her of this, and am gratified to discover that my concern was in vain.

She arches into me, eyes shut, neck straining. I curl my fingers inside her and feel her moan.

_Just like that love. Yes, that's it. Let go._

She stays with me afterwards, shyly crawling under the covers and nestling into my arms. I'm not sure if she'll sleep tonight, if she's ever slept. But hopefully she'll be just as content to lie beside me as I am beside her.

I bury my face in her hair, allowing her familiar scent to wash over me as her smooth breathing lulls me to sleep.

xxx

I'm on the bridge, trying to work my way through the morning systems check. I'm not being particularly efficient about it. Every few words my mind keeps drifting back to last night. The feel of her body against mine. And this morning, waking up, slightly awkward but still amazing. The soft, shy smile on her lips that charmed the heck out of me.

I don't mind my state of distraction. Things are slow so far today, and I can take all damned morning on these reports if I want to.

I hear the turbolift doors open. I count down from ten, trying to delay my hopeful glance back at the doors, but only make it to eight before my head snaps back to check of its own accord. Yes, it's her. Perfectly composed, stepping onto my bridge.

I give her what I hope is a professional nod. Dear god, please don't let me come off as a goofy teenager on my own bridge.

I force my eyes back to my report, but can't help glancing up at her one more time as she makes her way to one of the aft stations. Is that a smile curling the edge of her mouth?

We work quietly through the morning. I finally get through my system checks and move on to the ship's logs, still overdue from yesterday.

I can feel her eyes on me. I give into the urge and turn slightly in my chair to look back at her.

I'm expecting her gaze to be hot, passionate. But it's soft. Warm. Full of love.

I swallow against the sudden lump in my throat. I catch myself as my mouth opens, almost announcing to my entire bridge staff that I am in love with Seven of Nine.

I shut my mouth decisively, but I can see that it's okay. She knows.

She gives me a small nod, a beautiful smile spreading across her face as she turns back to her screen.

I wonder if she'll visit my quarters again tonight?


End file.
